When Someone You Love Chooses Self Destruction

How to grieve, embrace your sphere of responsibility, and accept God's sovereignty

Photo by Nastia Petruk on Unsplash

I began On Getting Out of Bed with a list of loved ones I’ve known who have lived terribly hard lives:

People close to me were raped, molested, and beaten by parents, spouses, and family friends. They were addicted to alcohol, meth, cocaine, and God knows what else. They went hungry and lived in filth. They were orphaned. Abandoned. Neglected. Imprisoned. Willing to do almost anything to feel alive, even overdose. They lived hard, hard lives where their daily experience was either acute suffering or prolonged numbness. And this horror was passed down to their children, and their grandchildren. And I don’t know where it will end.

I still don’t know where it will end. The terrible truth about sin is that it does get passed down to the next generation, unless God in his mercy steps in. And he often does. What I didn’t say in that introduction is that some of those closest to me come from stories of broken homes where sin and neglect ruled and yet God intervened in their lives to bring them to him and to a place of flourishing. Sin may be passed down, but sin doesn’t get the last word.

But sometimes it feels like it does. If you, like me, have people you love who have chosen lives of self-destruction, whether it’s through drugs, violence, sexual behaviors, or various addictions, loving them can be a heavy burden. On the one hand, you deeply desire their good, and you wish you could save them under your own efforts. On the other hand, you can’t. But that doesn’t make it easy or simple to live with the burden of love you have for someone hurting with self-destructive tendencies. I think to survive this love, we must learn to grieve well, to embrace our sphere of responsibility, and to accept God’s sovereignty.