The Difference Between Coveting and Lusting After Your Neighbor's Wife (or Husband)
And why it matters
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I have been studying the Westminster Standards for elder training, and have been thinking about the distinction between coveting and lusting, between the tenth and the seventh commandments as they practically play out in the lives of people, particularly when it comes to romantic relationships and desire. Exodus 20:17 explicitly warns against coveting your neighbor’s wife, among other desirable goods. It seems that when we covet, we inordinately desire something for ourselves which is not properly ours. We look at our neighbor’s wife with a look of selfish wanting, rather than contentment and gladness for our neighbor’s sake. But this is different desire from lust, which is primarily passionate and sensual. Jesus warns in Matthew 5:28 that if you look lustfully upon a woman, you have committed adultery with her. Lust may be related to coveting, but it is distinct. Both lust and covetousness can be motivated by a deep sense of inadequacy in us, a feeling that we must fill a void with an idol, but covetousness whispers that you deserve something which you do not have. It whispers the old lie in the garden, that you will be like a god if you just eat of the fruit. If you just had this person as a spouse, your life would be complete. Lust, on the other hand, says “think about her [or him!] in that explicit way” or “imagine what it would be like to sexually be with that person.” But when lust has gained the upper hand, it goes beyond whispered thoughts to addictions and actions. I think that seeing the distinction between lusting and coveting a neighbor’s wife or husband can help us turn from these sins and toward Christlikeness.
