Take Heed Lest You Fall into an Affair

The reality that temptation is everywhere, even in your heart

Photo by freestocks on Unsplash

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Last week I had one of those serendipitous experiences that can only happen online. In the morning, I learned about two cases where Christian scholars (I won’t say who—don’t ask) left their spouses to marry graduate students. This is the kind of knowledge that reminds me of Aeschylus’ words that we must “suffer, suffer into truth.” Knowledge is often an unbearable burden, a disappointing revelation of the Fall at work. While I was brooding over this, I went on Twitter and saw a tweet from “Muppet History,” an account devoted to, uh, the history of the Muppets. Only instead of classic photos of Kermit the Frog, the post was an apology from the owner of the account for making unwanted sexual advances towards fans of the account. The Twitter account is now gone.

Anyway, at that moment I was just overwhelmed with the realization of how fragile we all are, especially when we are given any square inch of power, fame, notoriety, or influence. Even the absurdly petty fame of running the Muppet History account was enough to tempt someone to take advantage of his position to send disgusting messages to women and potentially ruin his marriage. In the past few years we’ve seen it happen to pastors and theologians and apologists and lay Christians who otherwise appear to live righteous, holy lives and who preach the gospel faithfully. It can happen to you and it can happen to me. So what are we to do?

I touched on this issue from the angle of “scandal” a few months ago, urging all of us to focus on self-control:

Far too many are led by their passions in the church. Much of this happens behind closed doors, but what is done in darkness will be revealed. I’m not arguing that if we just practice self-discipline we won’t have any more leadership scandals; Satan will always work to tear down Christ’s Bride. But every moral failing involves a person choosing to give in to sin. And insofar as it is in our power to cultivate self-control, we have an obligation to.

In that piece, I focused mostly on leadership scandals, but really the temptation to abandon chastity is a temptation for everyone, particularly in a culture that tells us that we ought to affirm our heart’s deepest emotional, romantic, and sexual desires. And if our spouse isn’t fulfilling those desires, then we have the right and even moral obligation to find someone who will—so the world says. Add to that cultural logic a little power or influence or fame, and you have a recipe for breaking a wedding vow.

In part, this is a story old as humanity. No matter how righteous you believe yourself to be, no matter how many safeguards you have put in your way to avoid temptation, the potential is always there. As Paul warns us in 1 Corinthians 10:12, “let anyone who thinks that he stands take heed lest he fall.” This is a basic fact about our sin nature. We can cultivate virtuous habits all our lives and still fall prey to sin.

Which is why Paul calls us to “take heed.” The command is a command to be awake, to be cognizant of what is happening. The first step in the virtue of prudence (as we’ll learn when I finish revising Re-Collecting) is seeing reality rightly. And I think this is especially true when it comes to sin. Lust and covetousness flourish when we cease seeing clearly what is going on. When we start flirting without acknowledging it to ourselves. When we start checking out profile pictures of attractive people “just to see who they are.” When we allow our eyes to linger a little longer. When we allow ourselves to daydream (the daydream of an affair never takes into account the harm it does your spouse and children, or their spouse and children). Anytime we allow ourselves to leave the reality of the situation. Because the reality of the situation is that if you break your wedding vows you will cause immeasurable harm to innumerable people. I don’t know what’s going on right now in the life of the guy behind “Muppet History,” but it sounds like it’s a mess. Which is just what Proverbs promises happens when we follow lust to its conclusion. So one thing each of us ought to do is take heed of our thoughts and actions.

But I think there is a special concern for those in positions of influence, even the petty influence of social media fandom. The same is true for authors, speakers, and other “influencers.” This is even more important for those in positions of leadership and teaching in churches, seminaries, and schools. While temptation is a reality for everyone, the platform created for you by a position of influence will give you new opportunities to temptation and excuses to justify your temptation (“you deserve this”). Influence and power flatters your ego and then offers you sin to feed that ego. Your task is to be a safe, responsible, honorable person who sets firm and healthy boundaries that benefit you and those around you. And if you ever feel the pull to bend those boundaries for someone, immediately reach out to a friend for accountability and then strengthen the boundaries. Take heed of your thoughts and inclinations, and honestly assess what steps you need to take to protect your chastity and vows in integrity. I also think “taking heed” means listening to the wise counsel of our friends who warn us when we are acting in inappropriate ways.

The other concern I have is the way the internet has made coveting another’s spouse, flirting, and beginning affairs, so easy. As I said in the previous article on scandals, “Millions of people are posting thirsty, seductive photos and videos of themselves to elicit our attention and affirmation.” Even some (few) Christian men and women will regularly post photos of themselves that are (what I would consider) “thirst-traps,” emphasizing their sexual beauty for attention. In some cases, I fear these married individuals are subtly signaling their availability. At the very least they are sending mixed signals.

While that is a minority, there are still plenty of beautiful people out there to covet if your heart is open to it. And their images are right there for you to scroll through and desire without their knowledge. Which is no fault of theirs. It is just a reality of the digital world. And means that rather than catch a desiring glimpse of a beautiful man or woman passing by you on the street, you can stalk them online anonymously. And then you can effortlessly send messages testing the waters, seeing if they are interested in getting to know you. And then it’s easy to start sending sexual explicit images. Or developing an emotional affair. And it doesn’t even feel like you’ve done anything. But you have. And before you know it, you’re posting public apologizes about your actions.

Part of “taking heed” in a digital age is thinking honestly about our use of social media. Are we making “provision for the flesh” by clicking on profile pictures of beautiful people? Or by following them because of their attractiveness? If someone messages us a question, are we answering the question and moving on, or are we developing a conversation that could turn into a relationship? Honest self-reflection is necessary here.

Let me say a word here about what will not protect you from an affair: a great sex life. And what will not cause you to fall into an affair: a cold sex life. It’s certainly true that the warmth of a healthy marriage, which includes sexual intimacy, makes the allure of temptation less appealing. But like all safeguards, temptation can always find a way. And in the end, you have agency. You have the agency to choose to follow your temptations or not, because Christ has freed you from the bondage to sin. And as I have written before, “A beautiful marriage does not mean you will have all your sexual desires fulfilled. You won’t. You will have to practice self-control. Over and over again.” Your circumstances are not excuses for sin. And your good circumstances cannot save you from all temptations to sin. You must take heed.

The posture of “taking heed” is not a posture of paranoia, hostility, or fear of the opposite sex. It’s not primarily about the other party. It’s a level-headed assessment about you and your actions. It’s about taking account of what you are doing with your thoughts and intentions. It’s about taking account of what you desire. It’s about what you are doing with your eyes and attention. I say it’s not “primarily” about the other party, but it does involve them. You should take heed if someone is flirting with you, sending you inappropriate signals or messages, or giving you just a bit too much attention. Again, taking heed is about surveying reality as it is as opposed to being under the spell of temptation, in this case romantic or sexual temptation.

Ultimately, we must each work on self-control and self-denial. We need to make it a practice to set our minds on honorable things, to turn our attention to godly thoughts, and to recognize and affirm but not desire the beauty of the other. You will meet beautiful, interesting, and lovely people in your life who are not your spouse, and your duty is to love them as your neighbor, not abandon your spouse. And that includes not allowing yourself to fantasize about being with them, not allowing yourself to gaze at them online (or in person), and not allowing yourself to take advantage of any influence you might ever gain, no matter how paltry, to win their affection.

Let us all desire to live so that at our death they might say, “He was safe, faithful, godly, and honorable.”