So You're an Impostor. Now What?

On living with impostor syndrome

Photo by Mark Farías on Unsplash

I was the first person in my immediate family to graduate from college, and I had this idea that once I got a bachelor’s degree I would have a sense that I knew something, that I had achieved something meaningful. But I didn’t. I felt like I had started a journey, but I didn’t feel anywhere close to finishing anything. And that’s part of the reason I got a Master’s degree in English. I wanted that feeling of mastery, to feel confident in my knowledge and skills. But when I graduated with my Master’s degree I felt even more ignorant. I was exposed to more of the world of literature. I knew more of what I did not know and it shook me. So I set out to get a PhD in literature. I was terrified. I felt so insecure in my abilities and knowledge. When I got into Baylor, I doubted myself endlessly. Maybe I didn’t deserve to be here. Maybe they made a mistake? Maybe I’ll fail out? The first few orientation days were torture. Instead of being excited to start a new journey of education, I sat there in my chair ruminating, feeling terribly insecure, like a phony waiting to be exposed and kicked out. That insecurity never left, all five years of my PhD work I doubted myself and felt jealous of the success of others and was eaten up with anxiety. It was an awful experience, and not the fault of my peers or professors who were kind and encouraging. In fact, if my peers and professors hadn’t been so encouraging, I doubt I would have finished. But I did, and when I did, I felt just as ignorant as when I began. Again, I knew how much there was to know and do in the world of literature and how ignorant and tiny I was. But I got a job teaching where my degree hung on the wall, reminding me I was technically qualified to teach even when I felt unqualified. When I got some space from graduate school, I saw my students struggle with impostor syndrome and realized how vile and destructive it was in their lives, as it had been in mine. And I saw that the only way out of impostor syndrome is to act before God, courageously focusing on the work before us rather than worrying about the judgement of others or negative consequences. And ironically, I learned this primarily through literature.