On Grace for Parents

And acknowledging the harm we cause

Photo by Matt Bennett on Unsplash

Last week the New York Times ran a brilliant opinion piece by Michal Leibowitz arguing that some young people are avoiding parenthood because of the fear that they’ll be inadequate, trauma-causing parents just like their own parents. And underneath this, argues Leibowitz, is an unrealistic standard for parenting, a standard that young people know they can’t meet and which their parents couldn’t meet, and so they don’t even want to try. Whether or not this dynamic is meaningfully driving the birthrate decline, it seems to me that Leibowitz is onto something when she writes about children (usually adults or young adults) who hold their parents to unrealistic standards and then blame all their psychological problems on them. It seems to me that a number of difficult realities must be held in tension in order for people to have a healthy view of themselves, their parents, and children. First, the reality is that parenting is hard. Even the best parents are imperfect. And their kids will come out imperfect. A lot of shame and self-loathing can come from parenting in the modern world. But there is grace from God for our imperfect parenting and grace for our parents’ imperfect parenting. The other reality is that some parents are more than just imperfect, they are negligent, abusive, and narcissistic. They consistently and unrepentantly refuse to live up to the role of father or mother which God has called them to, and in so doing they harm their children and grandchildren with no remorse except for themselves. By having grace for ourselves and our parents while holding prudent and loving standards for healing and restitution in broken relationships, we don’t have to be afraid of parenting or the pain our parents have caused us. We can rightly see the harm that has been done to us, without exaggeration or mimalization, and rightly extend the grace that has been extended to us by God.