On Family Vacations
And the struggle to feel what you are supposed to feel
I have what I would call the Charlie Brown Problem. Very often, and I mean very often, when I’m supposed to feel some way for some special occasion, I feel the opposite.
If I visit an amusement park, I struggle to be present and enjoy myself. If it’s a birthday party or event in my honor, I feel anxious. And if I’m on a family vacation, I regularly have a hard time letting go, relaxing and just enjoying myself. I’m not a good vacation-taker. Is this pessimism? Negativity? A bad attitude? A problem with resting? Or is it the natural result of being a father who is one of the two main adults in charge of making sure everyone is safe, happy, fed, and not fighting during a vacation? Who knows?
But here’s what I do know: my duty on a family vacation is not primarily to have a good time or to relax or to have grand adventures. My duty is to be present with my family as best I can, to expose my children to God’s creation and the wider world, and to fellowship with others. If I can get some measure of joy or happiness out of that experience in the short term, all the better! But I know that when everything is unpacked and settled down, I will have the satisfaction of having fulfilled my duty as a father regardless of how I felt. And this is particularly important for me because sometimes my mental health throws an extra wrench in me enjoying time with my family. In these moments, it feels like I’m just going through the motions, just doing what I’m supposed to. And I guess what I want to say is, there’s something to be said for going through the motions. Because what you’ll find in retrospect is that the memories you create are the rest you were looking for.
