I'm Free but Afraid
Why radical individualism leads to inhibition
Increasingly I am convinced that inhibition is a defining characteristic of contemporary culture. As a nation, we’re dating at lower rates, having less sex, young people are delaying getting their driver’s license, we’re in a loneliness epidemic, people are turning to AI companions for love and attention, we feel compelled to adopt AI, we feel controlled by our mental health diagnoses, we’re (again, as a nation—not me specifically) addicted to sports gambling and pornography and all sorts of substances—in other words, we seem to be helpless. To a large extent, we are not active agents in our own lives. We are subjects pushed around by massive forces: our biology, our environment, the government, corporations, social media, our passions, and so on.
And what’s so fascinating about this to me is that this inhibition comes at a time when we are promised and sold radical autonomy. We are told that we create our own lives. That we are masters of our own destinies. That we can and must make our lives meaningful and rich and exciting and purposeful. My theory is that it is precisely this promise of radical autonomy that has led to the widespread feelings of helplessness in contemporary society. To the degree that we have been told that we are responsible for our own individual sense of belonging, identity, meaning, value, and purpose,1 we freeze up, we feel helpless to act, and we allow others to choose for us. Part of the tragedy of this is that God designed us to be active agents in our lives, to make wise choices. When we rightly see ourselves as belonging to God, and therefore belonging to the Church and our family and our neighbors and even creation, we also rightly see that we have a moral obligation to act purposefully in our lives.
The Weariness of the Self
In Alain Ehrenberg’s 2009 book, The Weariness of the Self, he argues that the contemporary experience of depression is marked by inhibition (12). But it’s the causes of this inhibition that interest me most. Ehrenberg writes: “The individual, free from morality, creating herself by herself and aspiring to the superhuman, . . . is not our reality. But, instead of possessing the strength of the masters, she turns out to be fragile, lacking in being, weary of her sovereignty and full of complaints” (218-219). In other words, we are weary of trying to be our own sovereign selves. We have radical freedom to remake our identities (think of social media’s powers of self-expression), but it has come at a great cost: “If moral constraints have grown lighter, psychic constraints have taken their place. Emancipation and action have stretched individual responsibility beyond all borders and have made us painfully aware that we are only ourselves” (226). Elsewhere he refers to this as the “illness of responsibility” (4). In other words, as we are burdened with responsibilities to “be ourselves”, we (ironically) grow less able to be ourselves in the sense of who God created us to be.
Let me tell you what this can practically look like. It can look like society pressuring you to conform to a certain body image so you can compete in the dating market (which is now literally a market with dating apps). And so you optimize your life, your diet, your body, your exercise, your schedule to maximize your opportunities to meet someone with the highest potential to give you an experience of validation, but it never lasts. And the more you try to “be yourself” and “express yourself” the more you end up conforming to social expectations so that you can receive affirmation. Your choices are made for you by TikTok beauty or lifestyle gurus. You feel less capable of approaching people. Calling someone on the phone seems impossible. You feel more and more inadequate and less and less able to move. And shame covers everything. The shame of being an individual in a world of personalities.
We bear this shame because we were never meant to bear the burden of self-creation and we are meant to be active agents in our own lives. This tension weighs on us, filling us with feelings of inadequacy and helplessness, and yet I think most of us know that it ought not be this way. We were made to be free, yes. But that freedom looks different from the freedom offered by the World.
Agency in Christ
When you recognize that you belong to God and you are not radically autonomous, you are actually more free to advocate for yourself to God’s glory. By belonging to God you belong to his Church, which comes with certain duties and obligations. You have responsibilities to serve, to care for others, to worship, to participate in the life of the Church. This sounds like the loss of agency, but it’s actually the opportunity to act righteously. Each of these responsibilities is a choice, and it is your duty to listen to the Holy Spirit and the Word and act, to invest in the Body of Christ. Many Christians view church passively, as something that happens to them. They expect to be entertained or engaged with a professional presentation. Consumption makes us inhibited subjects, eyeballs watching instead of whole bodies participating. But when we rightly see ourselves as made in the Image of God and delighted in as sons and daughters of God, then we know that our active participation in the Body of Christ is a joy!
Similarly, in various ways, once we recognize our belonging to God we should have the courage to advocate for our good. Because in seeking our own good, we seek God’s good. Let me tease that out, because it may sound selfish, but rightly understood, it’s not. When you seek your own good, and your good is defined properly according to God’s will, then it is not selfish. It is glorifying to God. Philippians 2:4 says: “Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others.” Note that Paul does not say to “ignore your own interests!” Paul acknowledges the goodness of looking out for your own interests but desires that the Philippians also look out for the interests of others! In a like manner, it is good for you to seek your own good, when that “good” is defined by God’s will. For example, it is good to seek your physical and mental wellbeing. That is taking care of the body God has given you stewardship over! That pleases God! Another example is being a prudent steward over your finances and talents. Another example is taking the initiative to make friends or go out on dates.
In these ways you are taking an active role in advocating for your life, rather than passively allowing life to go by. But you are taking an active role because you know that your life matters before God, because you know that it glorifies God, and because you have a responsibility to act wisely. And the exciting thing is, there is grace for when you don’t act wisely. You see, the World says you must be a radically autonomous individual who masters his or her own world, and if you mess up, the very meaning of your life is at stake. But when you belong to God and your identity and belonging and purpose and value and meaning are hidden in him, there is grace for your mistakes. You are free to act with purpose because you already belong to him. You don’t need to be afraid.
I did two wonderful podcasts this week that were very different! One was the Holy Post:
And the other was Mere Fidelity:
If this sounds familiar, the list comes from my second book, You Are Not Your Own.