I Can't Rest

Why I have a terrible time doing nothing

Photo by Vitor Fontes on Unsplash

Pascal’s famous dictum “All of humanity’s problems stem from man’s inability to sit quietly in a room alone” has always troubled me because despite all my own writing (in Disruptive Witness) and speaking on the subject, I rarely can sit alone quietly with myself. Cognitively, I know Pascal is correct. I need to learn to “be still and know that [He] is God” (Psalm 46:10). But there are three related barriers to my being able to fully rest like that. And it is a matter of rest.

The first is my OCD. I don’t bring this up as an excuse, but as a matter of fact: what OCD does is send you intrusive, unwanted, anxiety-producing thoughts that capture and torment your mind. And when is the best time for OCD to send those thoughts? When you are sitting still and doing nothing in particular. Second, despite knowing the lies of the modern Total Work agenda, I still fall into it. I still feel like I need to be constantly doing to make my being valuable. And third, I have not taken the time to cultivate many interests outside of writing and research. So the idea of doing leisurely activities seems foreign to me. I admit, all of these are character flaws, but I suspect that they aren’t character flaws unique to me, and that there may be some value in exploring each of them and contemplating healthier responses.