How to Mentor

A guide for all of us

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Last May I made the case that we are living in the midst of a mentorship drought, and in some ways my next book, To Live Well: Practical Wisdom for Moving Through Chaotic Times is a response to that drought (by the way, if you didn’t hear the news, my fourth book, what I have been tentatively calling Re-Collecting Your Life, has received it’s official title now!). Today I’d like to look at what it practically looks like to become a mentor. It’s one thing to recognize an absence, it’s another thing altogether to practice being a present solution. In my paid subscriber’s post for Monday, I argued that we’re experiencing a male suicide crisis and that part of the response to that needs to be older men investing in the lives of younger men in healthy ways. Young women need this investment, too. As

Freya India

has argued, young people are hungry for adults to act like adults and be authority figures worth putting trust in. I don’t just have in mind young adults, either. Many middle-aged people need elderly figures in their lives to help them walk through midlife crises and changes. A lot of us feel lost.

The fact is that we were created to rely upon each other, to work through life with our shared experiences, but our horizons are shrinking. Instead of learning how to navigate romance, spiritual growth, parenting, and work with the guidance of intimately trusted mentors and models, people increasingly rely on search engines, AI, Reddit, and social media gurus to tell them what is Normal and Healthy. But as my friend

Amy Mantravadi

points out in this comment, social media gurus can never have the intimacy necessary to speak into the life of the individual. Ultimately what’s need is the connection of real people to real people in relationships of authenticity, vulnerability, and wisdom. So how do you become a mentor?

The first step, which I mentioned in my previous article on the mentorship drought, is to become a person of wisdom. Each of us has a responsibility to strive to be a person of integrity, wisdom, and godliness. Practically this looks like being in the Word daily, praying, reading books, sharpening your thinking with other people, growing in your spiritual life, being mentored by someone wiser than you, repenting of your sins, spending time in self-reflection, and so on. In Proverbs wisdom is not described as a pursuit for the elite or a special chosen few. It is a good to be sought after by everyone. And one very good reason to seek wisdom is so that you can pass that wisdom on to others who need it. If you’ve ever thought, “being a mentor is for those wise people. I’ve made too many mistakes” or “I’m not smart” or “I’m not wise,” then I would admonish you to pursue wisdom! Pray for it earnestly. Work for it: “The beginning of wisdom is this: Get wisdom, and whatever you get, get insight” (Proverbs 4:7).

The next step is to have a posture of openness to relationships. People can tell when you are open to a relationship and when you are closed off. You can’t expect mentor relationships to happen unless you desire them, unless you invite them to coffee, ask them to visit with you, demonstrate to them that you are willing to sacrifice time to be with them. In my experience as an introvert, this doesn’t mean that you have to become an extrovert. I’m not great in crowds. During the Passing of Peace at church I struggle to get out of my safety zone. At parties I like to just sit there. But I love being with one or two people in a meaningful conversation. And throughout my life I have been able to mentor younger people by reaching out to them or being there when they reach out to me. In the last ten years that has mostly looked like office hours with the door open for propriety’s sake, but I’ve had a lot of good conversations that way. Of course they may reject these offers, but your duty is to remain open and willing to love.

Once you have initiated a mentor relationship or what might become one, the next step is asking meaningful questions. Most people want to share their story, but they need someone to ask, they want permission to share, to know that it is safe to share. Your task is to be that safe person to share with, someone who will hear and sympathize without shaming them for their mistakes. This doesn’t mean that you don’t admonish them to turn from sin—you definitely should. That is wisdom and godliness! But in my experience, good mentorship does not give sin the benefit of grandeur; it treats sin as the unimpressive, pathetic, sad, tragic thing it is while demanding repentance and (when applicable) restitution. And when they have trauma or hurt to share, they need to hear you support them and encourage them humbly—without assuming that you know what they feel or have experienced. By gently, calmly asking meaningful questions about their experience, about how they feel, about how their experience relates to their faith, and so on, you demonstrate that you care about who they are and their story.

Finally, in addition to asking meaningful questions, it is essential that you be able to remind them of their high calling in Christ (Philippians 3:14). It is not enough to just listen, comfort, and sympathize. Those you mentor need to be admonished to seek lives of excellence for the glory of God, the good of their neighbor, and themselves! Sometimes this means reminding them of the practical necessity of eating and sleeping properly. Sometimes this means recommending that they seek professional mental health services. Sometimes this means encouraging them to turn from their porn habit, or delete their social media, or give up alcohol. But the goal is always the same: to become the person God designed them to be, which requires sacrifice and striving against the Flesh. Any mentorship that is content to permit the person to stay where they are, does not love that person.

Meaningful mentor relationships happen over time, usually over long periods of time. It can take months of interactions with someone before they trust you enough to open up and hear your wisdom. Those who pursue mentorships, which should be all of us, should expect to invest a great deal of time in those we work with. But the work is worth it.

In closing I want to say a word about the distinction between mentorship and discipleship. Unfortunately, I don’t think we can neatly separate these two terms. They overlap, but there is, it seems to me, a difference in emphasis. Discipleship focuses on becoming a follower of Christ, understanding the Scriptures, spiritual disciplines, and turning from sin. Mentorship focuses on becoming the person Christ designed you to be, your life choices, and your experiences. They overlap on questions of sin, but differ, I think, on matters of prudence. For example, I don’t think it’s a matter of discipleship to teach people to eat a healthy breakfast, get sunshine, and sleep an appropriate amount. I think we have freedom in Christ here. But I do think it’s wise mentorship. I think it’s prudent. Perhaps I’m making an artificial distinction and we should do away with the term “mentorship” altogether and make everything about discipleship. I could be persuaded of this.

In any case, whether we use the term mentorship or discipleship, I think these same basic principles remain the same. You must pursue wisdom, become open to relationships, ask meaningful questions, and call them to be Christlike over time.