Don't Do Everything For Your Kids

On setting boundaries so that you have space for yourself and your spouse

Photo by Vitaly Gariev on Unsplash

Parenting and guilt seem to go hand-in-hand. Why is that? Society constantly pressures us to Do More and Be More and Get It Right. We are told to practice the latest techniques in parenting to ensure the health and prosperity of our children. And the failure to practice the right techniques, we are told, is cosmic: the failure to launch, addiction, death, the inability to compete in a global marketplace, and so on. As a result, we feel the need to provide the absolute best for our children. And then, as Christians who believe we were given divine stewardship over our children, we feel the burden of a God-given responsibility to do the best for them and their souls. That’s heavy, too. And then there’s the pressure of our own childhood and the mistakes our parents made, which they inevitably did, as all parents do. We feel an anxiety not to repeat those mistakes. And then there’s the pressure from our children, who have their own sense of what they deserve from us taken from their peers and the media.

That’s a lot of pressure. Inevitably, every parent must fail to meet these expectations. In fact, every parent should fail to meet these expectations because many of them are disordered and bad for their children and for them! But the guilt can still linger because the pressure still lingers. The pressure to do more, to be more. To be a Super Parent who does everything for their children!

Since the 1960s, parents spend more time with their children, not less. And yet we feel like we’re falling behind, neglecting, ignoring our kids. And sometimes, maybe we are. Maybe we’re on our phones too much. But what I’d like to suggest today is that just as important as giving your kids opportunities to play soccer or violin or go to that birthday party or go to the park or do that activity or play that game with them is to allow yourself time to read the Bible or a book or to spend time with your spouse. It’s possible to give too much to your children, sacrificially, at the expense of your wellbeing and the relationship with your spouse (if you have one). And that will not serve your children, yourself, or your marriage well.

I don’t have a magic number here in mind. Some secret mathematical code which tells you how many hours you should spend with your children or devote to extracurricular activities. And anyway, I don’t think that’s the right way to think about all this, in terms of actuarial tables. Instead, we need to think in terms of the virtues of prudence and temperance. Temperance involves an inner order to our lives. It’s worth asking ourselves whether or not in our daily schedules there is an inner order that glorifies God and is healthy and conducive to the spiritual growth of the children and the marriage. Notably, even Jesus went away from the crowds to pray (Mark 1:35). We too need to practice getting away from our duties, even important duties and praying and being alone. And if our schedules are so packed with sacrificial activities for our children, how can we do this?

I understand that this is particularly difficult when children are at a very young age, infants and toddlers, when life is largely about survival. During these times, each spouse must do the best they can to care for one another while nurturing the children. But when the children get older, a new phase of life begins where new demands are created for activities. So many activities, many of which are good and helpful to their growth as people.

But it’s good for kids not to have their parents directing their activities all the time. It’s good for mom to tell the kids to go play outside so she can read a book or draw or whatever. It’s good for dad to tell the kids that he can’t play a game right now because he has something he needs to get done, but they can go play make-believe on their own. It’s okay to tell your kids that they can’t do another extracurricular activity because the family is committed to too many things right now.

Certainly telling your kids “no” like this all the time will leave you with regret. But I worry that millennials have a kind of “Cats in the Cradle” anxiety, a fear that if they say “no” they’ll miss out on some precious moment that they’ll regret for the rest of their lives.

Look, I’ve missed moments with my kids that I’ll regret for the rest of my life. I’ve even written about it. But that’s not because I was choosing to use my time wisely to read a book or take time to spend with my wife. That’s because I was busy scrolling to distract myself or rumining because of OCD. It’s okay to say “no” to your kids so you can do something good with your time. In fact, they need to see that adults have other obligations, hobbies, and responsibilities. I want my kids to know that I take my job seriously. I want my kids to see that I take my relationship with my wife seriously. They need to witness adulthood as more than just caring for children. Because it is more than just caring for the whims of children.

They also need to be forced to use their imagination, whether they are 3 or 17, to come up with activities to do for themselves. Find a book to read, go outside and ride a bike. Clean your room on your own initiative (believe it or not, I’ve seen it done!). They need to learn this independence.

Now I say all this and it may sound like I’m suggesting that you pull your kids out of extracurricular activities. My kids are in them. They are great! I love them. And I’m so proud of their achievements. So I’m not suggesting that. I am suggesting that you examine the way those activities determine your life and your schedule. Thinking in terms of temperance, is there an inner order or not? Yes, we want to sacrifice for our kids, but there is a point where the sacrifice is unreasonable for the family as a whole, where the strain is too great on the marriage. Do you have time to go on date nights? Or do the kids get all the evenings for activities? If so, is that a permanent thing, or just for a season? How long is the season? Can you make it to church on Sunday mornings? These are important questions to ask.

Of course, choosing not to do all the activities, choosing not to play with your kids all the time will create a sense of guilt in you from all the pressures I listed in that first paragraph. And what you need to remember is that the guilt is a false guilt. Even the pressure to be a good steward for God should not create a sense of guilt just because you are not doing everything for your child. The reason is that it is for the child’s good that you are refraining from doing everything. And this is true in several ways. First, as I said already, children need to grow in independence and imagination by not having their parents direct their activities all the time. Second, you will be practicing selfless self-preservation by caring for yourself so that you can care for your children and spouse better. Third, you will be caring for your marriage, which is caring for your children. Fourth, you will be demonstrating to your children the importance of caring for yourself and your marriage in life.

So when that guilt or that pressure comes, you can just label it as false guilt and move on with your life. You are being a good parent but not being a “Super Parent.” This is how you love your children: by not doing everything for them.