In talking with people who have read On Getting Out of Bed, one of the things I’ve discovered is that many people who read it don’t suffer themselves from mental affliction, but they care for someone who does. And they read the book to help them understand and better care for their loved one.
Given the ongoing mental health crisis we are in, there are a lot of people out there who have a close friend or loved one who is suffering from depression, anxiety, OCD, or any number of related conditions which John MacArthur thinks are imaginary. The experience of loving someone who is suffering from a mental illness is it’s own kind of mental affliction. You deeply desire to rescue them from their suffering but you know that you can’t.
What I’d like to offer are some practical recommendations for how to care for someone struggling with mental illness. As a warning, I am not a mental health professional, nor do I know what it’s like to deal with every kind of mental illness. I can speak from my experience and knowledge caring for other people. Take it for what it’s worth and feel free to comment other, better suggestions.
Develop empathy. One of the most challenging aspects of having a mental disorder is that you can never fully, really, accurately convey your experience to someone else. Which leaves you feeling alienated and alone. Care must start with an effort to understand what the sufferer’s experience is like. You can’t ever know perfectly, but if you can get a bit into someone’s head, it can help you respond with grace and patience. It’s not uncommon for someone without a mental illness to grow frustrated or bitter that the ill person can’t just get out of bed or snap out of it. You might not vocalize these thoughts, but they can be there. From outside of the illness, it’s obvious that the sufferer is being tricked by their brain into depression or anxiety, and so it’s natural to be frustrated that they don’t see the trick. But a deep empathy will allow you to have grace and patience for their condition. One of the hopes I have for On Getting Out of Bed is that it might help some people empathize better with sufferers.
Speak the truth in love. When you deal with depression and anxiety, your mind lies to you about the nature of reality. And you feel that lie so deeply, so vibrantly, that it seems impossible for it to be wrong. To care for someone in this place, gently speak truth in love to them about the nature of reality. When they feel worthless, remind them of their deep worth in Christ. When they feel anxious, remind them that whatever happens, God will be with them and they are strong enough to persevere. Don’t argue with them, because the rational mind isn’t the problem here. It’s the irrational mind. When you speak these words of truth, don’t expect them to magically relieve the pressure of mental illness. They won’t. But the sufferer needs to hear them anyway. They especially need to hear that you love them and that God loves them.
Be an advocate. You may be a caregiver for someone who struggles with mental illness, but you are not their savoir. A significant part of your duty is to advocate for them to get the professional help they need. Encourage them. Support them. Help them make the call. Destigmatize it.
Learn from therapists. Each person and each disorder has its own characteristics, and the best way to learn how to respond to your friend or loved one’s condition is to ask if you can join a therapy session and speak with the therapist about the best strategies for helping and what realistic expectations are.
Get support for yourself. I used to hate the analogy, but I’ve come to see it’s profound truth: when air masks drop on a plane, put your mask on before helping others. Similarly, you cannot help someone struggling if you have no support base yourself. You need friends you can vent to and ask for prayer. You need people you can cry with. You may need a therapist yourself to process years of navigating a mental disorder in a marriage or family. I highly recommend support groups. There are many free, online support groups for family members for all kinds of disorders.
Don’t let the illness control your life. While empathizing, caring for, and encouraging your loved one, you can’t allow their suffering to take control of your life or the life of your family. Granted, there may be seasons when things are so bad that it feels like the illness is in charge, but even there you should fight for normalcy. If you need to go shopping for groceries and your loved one is stuck in bed, go get groceries. Care for your pets. Feed your kids. Read a book. Exercise. Don’t allow the condition to define your life. Certainly there are times to stop and give extra care for a sufferer, but by choosing to live your life, you’re modeling for them the goodness of living and you are caring for yourself. And you need to care for yourself to care for them. Also, don’t let their illness be the only or primary thing you talk about with the sufferer. Illnesses like to suck lives into their vortex. Don’t let them. Play a game with the person. Watch a movie. Talk about politics. Don’t let the disorder take up all the oxygen in the room.
Be available. I know this sounds like a contradiction with the previous item, but it’s not. You need to live your life but also be available to sit with someone suffering or pray with them or text them a word of encouragement. Some of the most meaningful moments of my life have been when a friend sent a text or answered the phone when I felt utterly hopeless. The trick is to set healthy boundaries. Be available, but don’t become a servant to the illness.
Talk about expectations. Speaking of boundaries, they need to be explicit. Talk to your friend or loved one. Set clear markers on what you will to help them and will not do to accommodate the illness. Getting these boundaries set ahead of time will help you during difficult times. This is especially important for OCD, which can suck loved ones into compulsions which only fuel the disorder.
Pray. God desires us to turn to Him with our requests, and desiring your friend or loved one to be healed is a righteous request. Petition God daily. Ask for healing and wisdom to care for the person.
Encourage healthy habits. As I’ve said, mental illnesses like to draw us into their vortex and consume our lives. One of the ways they do this is they discourage the sufferer from taking care of themselves. Which makes them feel worse, which contributes to the illness. You can’t force someone to care for themselves, but sometimes the most loving thing you can do for someone suffering is to encourage them to take a shower, eat lunch, get some sunlight, and exercise. Again, these aren’t magic bullets, but they can help considerably over time. And the failure to practice these healthy habits will make things worse. Sometimes sufferers just need a little nudge to get moving. Other times you’ll have to sit by and watch as they choose (or the disorder chooses) to stay stuck. That’s not your fault. If you patiently encouraged them (without shaming or guilting them!), you’ve done what you can.
It’s not your fault. The Fall happened and we’re all just doing what we can with the help of the Holy Spirit to navigate this broken world. Do the best you can and do not blame yourself if your friend or loved one continues to suffer. You are not responsible for saving them. God is. Allow Him to take care of your loved one. Be faithful, but don’t take on a burden that was not yours to carry.
Again, these are just my own experiences and bits of (hopefully) wisdom. If you think I missed something or misspoke, let me know in the comments. I hope this has been helpful.